After a considerably shitty week having just had my car vandalized and totaled by some asshole junkie-delinquent, I had almost abandoned all hope for decency in the human race. Low and behold, a small crevice in the abyss that is the interweb opened up to change my mind completely. People, there is hope for us yet.

I am absolutely fascinated by humans and the nutty things they do. We’ve invented really important things like TiVo, cheese whiz, the lightbulb etc, and stupid things like Scientology and Carrot Top (who is indeed a mistake, whether or not humans are responsible is up for debate).

Humans have also invented some wonderful things to do with pigs. They have discovered that if you take a pig and carve off a thin strip of meat from its thigh or stomach, salt or smoke that strip, put it in a pan and fry the shit out of it (I actually googled that bit of info) that you will have created a tantalizingly delectable treat otherwise known as bacon. Unless you’re Jewish, Muslim, Vegetarian, or just plain delusional, bacon is quite arguably the best thing in the universe next to sex, and I’m sure someone has already found a way to combine those two into something even more awesome.

Just when I thought human innovation had plateaued in the way of finding amazing ways to enjoy pigs, these exceptional human beings pushed the envelope even FURTHER, and took bacon appreciation to an entirely new level. I laughed, I cried, I came.

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Humans + Bacon = Bra

Genius. We’re in a recession, people. The United States (apart from being the greatest country on earth) is a consumer-driven nation that is vastly populated by the obese. What better way to stimulate the economy than grease-laden edible underwear? It also might help unattractive or fat people get laid. This girl isn’t fucking around. She knows that despite a less than desirable physical appearance, if you cover yourself in meat then men will flock to you like Dolly Parton to Xanax, even if they are just homeless men. Bacon could be the new beer goggles. Look at a 4 sprawled out, naked on your bed…eh. A 4 naked on your bed wearing bacon lingerie…yeah, I’d eat it.

Humans + Bacon = Less Humans

Overpopulation is an ongoing epidemic that is destroying our environment. Air-polluting animals otherwise known as “babies” are being squelched out of vaginas across the globe every second every day, shooting more carbon-dioxide into the atmosphere and ultimately furthering our fat American problem of overconsumption. Pigs tried to tell us something with swine flu: just die already, the world doesn’t need any more of you fucking it up for the rest of us. Just look at China.

So if you’re thinking about conceiving, DON’T. Behold the Bacon Baby, the environmentally safe, less annoying, and tastier way to enjoy children. You don’t have to feed it or teach it not to shit itself or remember its birthday. You just do what should be done with all children in general: wrap it in bacon, chuck it in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour or so, invite your friends over for dinner and watch Dancing With the Stars. Furthermore, it will give humans more incentive to practice safe sex, stifling the spread of those weird bumps and things on your penis. Double win.

Humans + Bacon = Narwhal

My mind imploded upon viewing this masterpiece. There’s something about narwhals, like bacon, you just can’t argue with. Aside from being without a doubt the best animal in deep blue sea, they are closely related to unicorns, which are real. Although this creation does not serve to counteract any problems spawned by human idiocy, it does preserve the legend of the narwhal as an ancient, enchanted, cancer-curing beast. To the good Sir or Madam responsible for this Mona Lisa of the bacon world: Congratulations! You have managed to take a great thing and make it greater-er. Statues will be erected in your name, and passers by for years to come will pause to say softly to their unknowing Bacon Babies bundled up in their strollers, “Do you see that? Look what you can do with a little dream and a lot of bacon. That person made a difference in the world.”